A lot has been on my mind, lately. From car insurance, to a new retainer, to that last $250 fee that somehow still hasn't gone through (i freaking hate coincidences), to birth control, to power adapters a la europe, I still have a lot of stuff to buy, and working part-time for it is a total bitchcake. I've also been wondering where some of my clothes are (two pairs of leggings and my favorite shirt), because they've been missing for months, and i'm just hoping they're somewhere in the totes that i have packed and are sitting in my mom's house.
Trying to self-teach a new language is also hard. I have very little discipline, and gilmore girls is so much more accessible than a whole new language; so beyond a few phrases, i've been wimping out. LA was amazing, but i think that the easiest way to upload pictures is if I use a USB and plug my phone in. I know that the phone app won't let me upload it directly, because i've explored that app thoroughly.
There is a list of 339 books (at least a third of which were actually the movie form) of books mentioned in the show, Gilmore Girls. 5 of the titles were free on kindle, so i downloaded them and am trying to slog through Anna Karenina with my bestie, Destiny. It's exceedingly boring, SO she suggested giving them funny accents, which is amusing, but hard to do if you can't mimic the accents yourself. For instance, i can do russian and ridiculous french, but i really wanted to make Stepan Jamaican, and i can't do a Jamaican accent except to say "Jamayken, Mon." and that just really isn't good enough for a man who cuckqueaned his waifu.
There's also a bit that says "It was undoubtedly his fault, but the entire household was on his side." which made me think "oh good, this book won't enrage me at all." and also- this isn't an exaggeration- there is a part in which a french maitre d throws a tablecloth on the table EVEN THOUGH THE TABLE ALREADY HAS A TABLECLOTH ON IT.
...WHAT
My friend, Emily got me a double-faced watch that is absolutely beautiful and it means i can tell time in Krakow and Olympia all at once. I mean I have to re-practice reading analogue clocks, but it's so pretty i'd almost rather do that than use my phone. (Which is high praise, considering how flipping easy it is just to look at your phone.)
It occurred to me a couple of days ago how much I'm going to miss everyone, how much harder it's going to be to talk to everyone, when i'm 9 hours ahead, and that has tainted the excitement with sadness and disbelief. I'm supposed to be in Europe in a month. A month, and i cannot get thought my head. A month is no time at all. I don't understand how it isn't going through my head, but it isn't. I'm going to be studying at the second-oldest University in Central Europe. There is already a tiny, co-ed apartment waiting for me with no dryers, so i will have to line-dry everything. The food is meat and pickled-everything and i hate pickled stuff. i don't know what kind of shampoo, toothpaste, soap, conditioner they have. i won't know how to read the stuff. None of the stuff i find online teaches much about how to write Polska. I'm subbing in a little Russian for some of the words.
I'm scared. I'm honestly frightened. I'm a loud American. What if everyone in Europe just sees me as loud, arrogant, ignorant, and disruptive? I know my people here love me. Even the ones who hate me are completely unfounded in their hatred of me, and that's okay, too, because i don't need to waste my time with that. I probably shouldn't waste my time thinking about anything other than poland and only poland. But that's impossible too. There is at least one distraction that is so pleasant to be distracted by even when it's upsetting, Even though i have no expectations at all. And yet i wouldn't shake it even if i knew how. Or maybe i know how, and to do so would just hurt too much. You ever have a hope so big you can't let it go because the heartbreak would be too awful? Risk is addicting that way. Europe is like that, for me.
I'm terrified. I'm absolutely petrified that it will be a giant fuckup and I'll be irreversibly scarred, somehow, for the rest of my life. But not doing it would be worse.
And i have my visa. it's sitting at my parent's house, and all i wanna do is touch it. I have a picture of that, too, and i don't even know what information, if any, could be taken as a case of stolen identity.
I'm still waiting on my final packet from API, and my mother says she doesn't want to buy my plane ticket until she gets that packet. which is understandable, but still another stressor. And i want to look into getting a Eurail pass, though i may have to wait until i get to Poland to buy it with my Financial aid. Then i can train to other countries, and even if i walk around with nothing but a camera and my passport, i can at least SEE things.
There's a lady i met on the internet who offered to show me around Europe, and I'm DYING to accept her offer, but i'm also aware of how sketchy it sounds. It's a huge risk anytime you meet someone off the internet. Let alone a bright-eyed bushy-tailed little naive twenty-something meeting someone on a different freaking continent.
But hey, if i turn her down, i could be fucking up the opportunity of a lifetime.
Anyway, there's a small update. :3
It's natural to be a bit scared, but you're doing all the right things. You're completing as much preparation as you can ahead of time. For the rest, just deal with things as they come. Making lists helps some people. For me, extreme de-cluttering worked wonders and let me feel more in control during stressful transitions.
ReplyDeleteSometimes having a vivid imagination can work against you. Try not to overly-anticipate problems. You'll adjust. You'll find some familiar product brands in Poland, but it will be fun to buy new things. Just think of the fibers you'll find in the shops.
Keep trying to learn the language, but remember English is an international language. A Polish friend told me most citizens of the country are fluent in it, except for the elderly. You'll get by, and most people you encounter will be happy to help you with their native tongue.
As for being a loud American, that's a legitimate concern. I've never lived in Europe, but I lived in Asia, where I had to learn to be less assertive and to value patience and respect over speed and efficiency in many situations. Your natural courtesy will serve you well.
You're about to embark on a great adventure, which you'll look back on as one of the best times of your life. You're going to be living in a country with a fascinating history and stunning architecture. Visiting Poland is on my bucket list.
Love your blog and appreciate your sharing as you go.
Thank you, Jude.
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