Dear Europe,
I swear I arrived just a few days ago.
I was terrified of you before I came here. Did you know that? I thought of your history and our reputation and all I could think would be that I would show up and everything would go wrong. I thought no one would like me, and I definitely didn't plan on going out and engaging other people in conversation or that I would make friends. All I thought of was keeping my head down, seeing as much as I could, and seeing what the experience was like. I didn't even know what extra things I would try to see. If you had told me before I left U.S. soil that I would see Greece, the UK, Germany, the Czech Republic, and lay eyes on Slovakia when I came to Poland, I would have only been able to blink in vague shock. If you had told me I'd have to go through Warsaw so much I'd be sick of it, I would never have believed you. If you told me I would be as sad to see Europe go as I was scared to leave America, I would've shrugged you off.
You were a dream of mine, Europe. I'm not done travelling yet, but you were a dream. All my life I've listen to various people talk about "oh when I was in such-and-so", and now I can be a such-and-so person. I can talk about my trip to Prague, and the cool Brits I met there on a stag. I can talk about the old Scot man I pissed off in a bar by not being conservative enough and arguing with him about his beliefs. I can talk about the James Herriot museum, and my trip to Scarborough when I met a drunk old man in a graveyard, and he was more respectful of his surroundings that a well-dressed posh little girl. I can talk about all the wall art in Berlin, and compare it to the graffiti in Athens. I can talk about how, no matter where I went, if I at least attempted a few words in that country's language, I got a smile and a compliment. I can also talk about how most of the people who met me more than once liked me, and a few even thought I was funny enough to be a comedian professionally.
You were more than a dream, though. You were a clarion call and a galvanizing force. A long time ago, I was in love with someone. He once asked me what I wanted to do for spring break, for a week off school and work. I responded with a long shot- something I'd always wanted to do. "Let's go to Ireland." And I'll be damned if he didn't respond "Okay", and we went. When that relationship ended, I felt like I had been buried. I didn't know what to expect, everything was new and also awful, because it came with a tag that said "it's new because a major force in your life is now gone". Everything I did or thought had to be reoriented in terms of how and why I thought. I had to get used to myself again, as my own driving force. And doing that was driving me mad. Travelling abroad was something i'd wanted to do anyway. But it was one of the few things that stood independent of this relationship.
I'm not normally one to run away from my problems, but I latched onto studying in Europe like a lifesaver in a sea of confusion and monotony. apart from the dream to travel, School is one of the only major investments I've made in myself (does a tattoo count?). Combining the two somehow made finding some way to make it happen as critical as breathing. I became deaf to suggestions that I wait a year, or that I pick a different country, or that I alter this one pipe dream in any way. Poland was my raft. My one dream that I wouldn't compromise on. I needed it in a way that I couldn't convey to others, because all i really knew is that the idea of altering it filled me with an angry panic the spilled out as defensive denials. I heard naysayers from all sides, and was never able to tell them "I need this for me. I need this so I won't do insane. I need this because it means my life will move forward the way I want it to. I need this because it means I'm driving my life, it's not driving me."
Through the random difficult things I've had to weather, from creative thinking to letting go of control (sometimes you just have to spend too much money. shit happens, and that is why it is essential to not spend everything), to handling a crisis (yes i can drive 6 hours at a moment's notice. Yes I can rebook a ticket for a train i scheduled at the wrong time. yes i can ask a total stranger for directions when i am completely lost. yes i can handle a completely new country by myself as long as i have GPS.), I've learned that while i do rely on people (my friends, for encouragement, my parents, for perspective.), the person i most rely on is myself. And this is important, because I didn't know what i was capable of. You were as much of a risk as you were a dream, Europe. You were a challenge as much as as a goal.
Now i tear up when i look out the window and realize i may never see that view again. I don't say goodbye to my friends, because even though i never expected to make them, now it hurts to think i may never see them again. i come home tomorrow, and as much as i'm excited to go home and see my family, it means that my dream is ending and it's time to wake up. It means that i have to find some way to fit all of my souvenirs into my luggage, because i really don't want to have to buy a suitcase when i feel like i purchased less things than most of the people i know. i also have to pack them well, so that even if the airline throws things around and customs goes through my stuff (which it at least did when i returned from Ireland,) the three mugs and a wineglass i got won't get broken. (two of the mugs and the wine glass were gifts.)
Europe has changed me. at least physically. My legs are more toned than they've been in years, my feet are tougher, my hair is longer, my paleness is... well it's slightly less pale, sort of? I have more and less pride as an American. I have more and less knowledge of other countries. I have more foreign phrases in my brainpan, that's for sure. I'm considered sort of cool automatically for being American, and yet i consider others cool; so there's a lot more mutual admiration happening in my interactions that i expected. I'm filled with respect for other people's national problems. And i expected them to scoff at mine. Debates prove lively and non-judgmental. Explaining my education system down to the government level made me realize how much more about my country i knew than i thought. It also made others think that i studied political science because "you're so convincing."
Your people are beautiful. I don't know what you've done in your hemisphere to end up wrecking the genetic bell-curve, but well done.
Mostly I will be sad to go. I won't know how much I've learned until i go back home and need to use it, but i know that i fell in love with you and will miss you greatly. I know that having one more sleep til homeness is going to be hard. I know that fitting Becca's fucking present somewhere is going to be a pain in my ass. (seriously i may need to open it to reconfigure it so... yeah.)
Mostly i just wish i had the words to thank a place itself. Every single person i met (save 2 or 3) was amazing, and i feel grateful for the opportunity to have met them. I expected a cool experience. I expected to learn. I expected that much, i suppose.
I didn't expect a place and new people to fill my heart. I didn't expect my heart to be so big it felt like it had two homes. I didn't expect to be so sad to go.
But i will be.
I love you, Europe.
And you, Poland. I think I'll miss you most of all.
Thank you.
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