enough is too much

I don't have a problem being enough. I have never had a problem with being enough. No. My problem is being too much. My problem is being too loud, and too hyper, and too quick, and too enthusiastic. And too blunt. And too thoughtless, and too nice, and too trusting...

too, man.

too is an amount that describes every bit of who and what i am. it's never quantifiable, but you sure as hell know it when you encounter it.

People keep asking me "How's Poland?" And i know it's a natural question, so i always like to answer with the weather, or how pretty this architecture is. Until this morning.

"How's Poland?"

Big and beautiful. And made of stone. It's cold, here. It's been here for centuries, and people have come and gone and it's been altered, sure. But it's also endured, and to have done that, it's been made entirely of rock. There's almost no trees left, because the Tartars kept ransacking and burning the place. So it's hard to find life. People don't smile, here. Very few make eye contact. The ones that do mostly all just look away and don't smile back. I don't know anyone, and i don't know the language, and so i am surrounded by people, but it is legitimately isolating.

It reminds me of myself. I'm this stone city, beautiful to look at and inhabit, but no one has made me feel alive in centuries. It's cold, and can be chipped away at and altered, but no one really makes it their home. It's overwhelming, sometimes. Too many secret ways and unused passages. Too many ways to get lost, so people stick to the main paths, and then are done being tourists.

"It's cloudy this morning, lol."

I have got to start making plans to see more of europe. I am on this continent, i owe it to myself and to the love of my parents who sent me here, and to the beautiful support of my friends to see as much and enjoy myself to the fullest that i possibly can. It doesn't matter than i get lost easily and have no idea where to go. It matters that make myself uncowardly enough to try.

it's just that this morning all i can think about is the fact that i don't have someone. i miss having someone. I've always been too much for someone, but goddamn, i miss that connection. i miss relaxing. i miss touching. i miss taking their arm and putting it around my waist. I miss them tightening their hold, and burying their face in my hair. i miss not having to say anything, just seeing them and being comforted.

i haven't had that for over a year.

And i mean, no, i will not be giving up my muchness.  And being single isn't so bad, really.  it's not.  I can do whatever i want and not have to worry.  I can say whatever i feel and it's not a huge deal if i say the wrong thing.  the line between lodestone and millstone is incredibly thin. And i mean, I know i'm not a city, i know i'm not Krakow, nor have i ever been invaded by Tartars... that metaphor... I'm a whole damned continent, or something. maybe. but whatever. anyway.

It's just that today my loneliness is heavy to carry.  

And i mean i am writing this so that i can put it down and laugh and grin and ignore it for the rest of the day.  so it's cool, don't worry about me, but yeah.  

Today, this morning, being enough is too much.