reality

okay so that list might look like a pain in the ass, and it was.  but it was also a lot more than that.

my parents sent me more money specifically so that i could do the england and scotland thing.  i threw my entire self into the idea that i was going to be able to realistically go.  and for a glorious hour it looked tenuous, but possible.  And then all the math started to truly add up in my head.  $1000 is £670. and where $1000 might get you a week-long roadtrip in america if you're only going about 5 hours away, that's not really the case with about £670 in Scotland/England.  not when every dollar you spend is only worth about 67 cents.

And so my heart and my family's heart being set on this trip, to try to do something important and special for someone who has helped our family in ways that cannot even be quantified, and to see the ancestral castle of a family member dating back about a thousand years ago...

i had to go through, step by step, and undo every single bit of that hope.

every single bit of that promise.

every single step of those plans.

every single cent of that money that was earmarked for something and someone else.

and so it isn't just the hassle of doing and undoing travel plans.

it's the letdown and crushing defeat of still being too poor.

of not having enough.

not being enough.

even with help.

again.